World’s fastest spam filter

April 8, 2008

Dear GMail,

Unless I have subconsciously absorbed fluency in various Eastern European languages from watching Russian porn or sleeping on the couch with late night TV on, I really don’t get many emails that I want composed entirely of the Cyrillic alphabet.  A rigorous examination of every email I’ve ever received as done by the prestigious accounting agency Dewey, Cheetum & Howe very clearly tabulates exactly zero emails saved by me that are composed from these letters.

Ditto for Arabic.  And Hebrew.  Or Chinese shorthand.  If you don’t want me to continue ad absurdum, please consult this list for many other alphabets that I don’t use.  There are many; I’m a stupid American.  If n=[total number of alphabets] you can start with [n-1] and we’ll go from there.

No matter how many times I mark such emails as spam, you don’t seem to get the hint.  Please start getting the hint.  I’m hinting.  Take it.  Take the hint.  Or maybe a sign.  Like a wink.  How about next time I get an email entirely in Arabic save for the string “v1@gr@” I’ll wink.  Ok, I just winked.  You didn’t notice.  That email where the only Latin alphabet letters were “Free Rolex”…no not that one.  Yeah, that one.  I winked.  Are you even paying attention GMail?

When I communicate with others from another country, I use the Language of Love ™.  Not Hangeul.  If you see Hangeul, go ahead and put it in the trash folder.  If Language of Love ™, keep it.



14 Responses to “World’s fastest spam filter”

  1. Andreas Says:

    Wade, speaking as one who has helped manage another humongous email pushing site with spam filtering, you cannot just tell gmail to block all emails written in a language that you personally don’t understand. Even if you’re American. 😉

  2. none Says:

    Nice joke, still waiting for jokes

  3. Аффтар, учи албанский, сцуко!

  4. CyrillicManiac Says:

    Wow, kinda discrimination. I should call my lawyer.

  5. Dmitry Says:

    Why are you so selfish? I’m from Russia and I use GMail and read and write messages on my native language.
    I guess you should stop register on different porno sites, Chines or Russian, to not let them know your e-mail address.

  6. fork posix Says:

    Guy, you easily can win the first prize at the most stupid advice competition. Or you are just a clown?

  7. Aron Stansvik Says:

    But an option for it would be great. I’ve received tens of thousands of e-mails in my GMail, and the only ones of interest to me are the ones in either Swedish or English. And I really mean it, the _only _ones_.

  8. Анонимус Says:

    Соси хуй, быдло!

  9. Медведев Says:

    Учи албанский!

  10. sandsmark Says:

    You can search for specific languages, so Google already detects them, so it really shouldn’t be hard for them to let you filter some languages to spam.

  11. Rasi Says:

    I guess thats a really good idea… lots of mails that i would call spam are cyrillic, so just filter them all out

  12. Здравствуйте !
    Может быть вообще запретить все алфавиты кроме латинского ?
    Да Вы тупой житель США, но это не значит что всё жители планеты тупы как Вы.


  13. Sish Says:

    All foreign language emails already hit my gmail spambox. I get about 1 (one) spam email in my inbox each month.

    Contrast this to my yahoo account where the inbox catches more spam then the spam box.

  14. […] feel bad that I was busy this week, and didn’t approve many of the comments from my last blog entry until this morning.  What’s important is that they’re all approved now.  These […]

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